Faith Marie Garcia...born on October 7th, 2006...and is my reminder that nothing in life is for certain and not everything goes the way YOU want it to...it's all up to the big guy upstairs.
January 2006, one week before my 28th birthday, Johnny and I found out we were having another baby. I wasn't "late", but I knew. A woman knows her body, and when something isn't right, then SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT. I took a home pregnancy test only to discover a very faint pair of pink lines...yes, a pair...and those of you who have taken one of these knows what those two pink lines mean. I went to the doctor and he verified what I already knew in my heart. I was early, like 2-3 weeks along early, if that, but three days later I would miscarry. Had I not gone with my gut instinct, I never would've tested, I never would've gone to the doctor, and I never would've known; it would've just passed as my normal cycle, BUT, I did test, I did go to the doctor and I did know. When I went back to the doctor to confirm that I was no longer pregnant, he reminded me of several things...that I had one healthy baby already, that I didn't have to go through the physical pain some women do when they miscarry, and more importantly, he reminded me I was fertile. If I was really trying to get pregnant, he suggested that I get right back to working on that, because now was the time. So we did.
February 2006 we found out we were pregnant again, and this time there was no mistaking the dark pink lines that stared up at me from my 2nd little, white pee stick. :) This pregnancy was different from my first one. I "showed" faster, I ate more and I was bigger. I carried lower and the back pain was something fierce. During my fourth month, my doctor sent me for my triple screen...to test for birth defects, down syndrome and abnormalities that may already be detectable in the baby. I had done this same test before with Mary Frances, so I didn't sweat it. I probably should've.
I remember being at work, at Dr. Sertich's office, and it was a Tuesday. We didn't see patients on Tuesdays because he was in the O.R. those days, so it was time for us to get caught up on paper work, new patient packets and anything else he left for us to do. A call came in for me and one of the girls came to get me and said my doctor's office was on the line. They didn't call me with my results the first time around, with Mary Frances, they said if everything was normal and ok, then they wouldn't call -but they WOULD call if something came back abnormal or positive. My feet became like lead and it felt like an eternity before I got to the phone in the break room. It was my doctor's nurse, she was calling to let me know that my triple screen came back positive for down syndrome and that the doctor wanted me to see a fertility specialist on Thursday. After a few "uh huh's" and "ok's", I hung up. I stood there, not really sure what had just happened, and trying to figure out what to do next. Liz came in and asked if everything was alright, but after one look at my face she knew something was wrong; we had worked together long enough to know each other's faces. The next few hours are a blur...I called Johnny, my mom and my sister. Johnny didn't know what to say, he was quiet and asked the who, what, where and when for the fertility specialist. My mother and my sister assured me that everything would be ok, and that I shouldn't get worked up until I knew something.
Right. Stay calm. Don't get worked up. That's like telling water not to be wet.
I cried most of the afternoon and evening. Did I do something wrong? Did I get pregnant too soon after the miscarriage? Did I lift something too heavy? So many questions ran through my mind. I was scared, angry and feeling tortured...I'd have to wait 48 hours to see the doctor. Could I keep it together that long? Johnny and I talked more in the next 48 hours then we had in the last 48 days. The nurse at the fertility office had asked me to bring in a few things and to prepare myself for a full exam, sonogram and all. She also told me to come prepared with an answer to the question of whether or not I wanted an amniocentesis. A what? I had never heard of it. I asked my mother what it was and very bluntly she told me the doctor wanted to puncture a hole into my uterus and see if the baby had down syndrome. She also said, "You're not gonna have one, so tell them no when the doctor asks." Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was YOUR body and YOUR baby. She tried to justify her point, but I wouldn't hear it. Instead, I got online and looked it up for myself...
"Amniocentesis is a prenatal test that allows your doctor to gather information about your baby's health from a sample of your amniotic fluid, the fluid that surrounds your baby in the uterus. The most common reason to have an "amnio" is to determine whether a baby has certian genetic disorders or a chromosomal abnormality, such as down syndrome...it is usually done when a woman is between 15 and 20 weeks pregnant...women who choose to have this test are primarily those at increased risk for genetic and chromosomal problems, in part because the test is invasive and carries a small risk of miscarriage."
I cried again. And again. I realized what my mother was trying to tell me. Why have an amnio, if all it's gonna do is confirm that the baby had down syndrome? I wasn't going to have an abortion, that wouldn't be an option for me. All an amnio would do was create a bitter feeling in my heart and something that the baby would sense and feel. It was better to not know. To let God decide. And so Johnny and I did just that. Thursday came and went. We opted to NOT have the amnio. The doctor did a direct sonogram and we got to see the baby's heart chambers, spinal cord and vital organs on a 40 inch flat screen. We left with some amazing pictures and assurance from the doctor that things would be ok. Johnny and I didn't have time to talk alone until Friday night. We cried together and really talked things out. The conversation shifted and soon we were talking about names, something to take our mind off the stress. Johnny said he had thought of one, but wasn' t sure if I'd like it. He reverted back to our conversation we had prior to the visit with the fertility specialist and our debate over the amnio. He said, "We need to go on faith that we're supposed to be the parents to this baby, and faith that this baby was meant to be ours...so let's name her Faith." Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore...I cried again.
Faith Marie was born at 7:50am, at 7 lbs 8 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. She had ten toes, ten fingers, and all the perfections of a newborn. She was healthy and beautiful...and still is. She was my blessing...my miracle...and my test of faith. She's Johnny's "little darkie" and my precious girl. I learned what it meant to love equally, but differently. I learned to never take things for granted, to love unconditionally and to love with all my heart every day of my life. Faith was never going to be born with down syndrome, she was going to be born perfectly healthy. God knew exactly what he was doing. Why we continue to question Him is beyond me.
I will question his sense of humor though, because really, another girl? (sigh) I guess only He knows what He has in store for us, but whatever it is I'm ready. So bring it on.
Till next time...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"Pine Tree, oh Pine Tree..."
To Scott Villareal and Gerry Garza, I dedicate this blog...thank you for inviting me to something that changed my life completely. I will forever be indebted to you. To Michael Ramirez, thank you for sending me a song today that was the inspiration I needed to finally write this blog.
"...and may the spirit of God, the spirit of love, be with you all your days." - The Blessing Song
I remember sitting in the caf at the Lake, it was still pretty early in the fall semester. I was a freshman and everything was still so new. I still couldn't decide what student organizations I wanted to join and I didn't know very many people on campus yet. I did manage to make friends with a few classmates, and so I waved at them as they walked through the caf on their way to their next class. I still had about an hour or so till my class started. Shortly after feeling a little better about myself and knowing some people, a guy everyone called Bullfrog walked in the caf, saw me, waved and walked over to sit with me. We had met at the UWAC and chit chatted about all kinds of things. It didn't take me long to learn he was a HUGE heavy metal fan and was someone I knew would be a good friend to have.
As we sat in the caf and talked, a few students walked in and started placing tent cards on the tables with an advertisement for something called a "4th Day Meeting" on one side and on the other side something called "Dillo Awakening #14". I didn't know what either of these things were, but Bullfrog did. He asked if I had heard about it and when I said "no" he went on to share with me a little about what it was about. He said I should consider going to it and that I would have a good time. He said it would be a good way to meet new people and maybe make new friends. At that moment, one of the girls placing the tent cards on the table stopped to talk to him. I glanced around the caf and noticed a guy sitting by himself and I thought I recognized him. When I asked Bullfrog if he knew him, he said, "Yeah, that's Scott." I remembered Scott from high school (story to come at a later time) and I was surprised to see him there. Bullfrog wasted no time in shouting across the caf and saying, "Hey Scott, did you go to Antonian?" I was mortified. Needless to say it didn't take long for Scott to join in on our conversation about this Dillo Awakening thing and he too encouraged me to consider going. He echoed Bullfrog's thoughts and while pointing back and forth between them said, "...plus, we'll both be there, so you know it's gonna be fun!" A few days later I'd bump into them again in the caf and tell them I was going to Dillo Awakening. They smiled a devilish grin, gave each other a high five and said, "Great. We'll see you there." I had no idea what I had just gotten myself into.
I never expected that 3 days at a place called Camp Sionito, in Bandera, Texas, would have such an impact on my life and would bring me to people who were to be a part of my life, whether for a season or a lifetime, and change it forever. I listened to fellow students talk that weekend about what it meant to be a "C", their faith, about themselves, and their thoughts on reconciliation. I experienced a community hug and for the first time in my life I sat by a campfire and made s'mores and we sang church songs. I learned what a palanca was and what it meant to "live your 4th day every day". It was a weekend I gained two brothers, David and Adrian, and two sisters, Rachel and Kelly. As a family we learned to brown-nose the Cook Staff, create a mystical body, pay homage to Pine Tree, and put ourselves in each other's hands in a trust fall. I didn't want the weekend to end. I wanted to wake up again to the music of "Rise, and shine, and give God your glory, glory, Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory. RISE and SHINE and give God your glory, glory children of the Lord". I wanted Dillo to last forever; but nothing lasts forever. Before I knew it, it was Sunday, and the weekend was over. It was time for us to leave and live our 4th day.
Now, it didn't take me long to find out that I could go back, not as a retreater, but as a staff member. Shortly after our return from D.A. #14, it was time to plan D.A. #15 and so I attended my first 4th Day Meeting. Never did I imagine that my experience as a staff member would outweigh and outdo my experience as a retreater. It was so much more than I expected. I learned all the background to Awakening, the planning, the recruiting, the anticipation of who would be a part of D.A. #15. I didn't realize the entire weekend was planned and directed by students, under the guidance of the Campus Ministry office of course - can't have Awakening without Wayne and Fr. Miguel! There were so many staffs to choose from, to serve on...Table Staff, Cook Staff, Music Staff, Gopher Staff...then there were those that were secretly chosen by the Rector's...like Angel Staff and P-Staff. I learned that speakers were nominated and voted on...Rector's gave the first and last talk, What is a C? and the 4th Day talk. As a staff we voted on who would give the Faith Talk, Self Talk, the Reconciliation Talk, and the Palanca Talk. We voted on themes, t-shirt designs and colors and registration fees. Rector's and CMC's worked on logistics, like location, agenda, scheduling 4th Day meetings and so on. As Awakening got closer nominations were made for the following leadership team and were voted on; results were always given at the end of the weekend and the torches were passed. So much to do, so much time devoted to each of these things, and I did it all, again and again.
I served on staff for D.A. #15 thru D.A. #22...I made so many memories, so many friends and learned so much about who I was and who I wanted to be; but more importantly, I learned the traditions and the spirit that is Dillo Awakening...
I learned that Tracy Chapman's song "The Promise" would forever remind me of Club Med and P-Staff of D.A. #15. It was here that I experienced prayer at its strongest, where Bullfrog gave new meaning to a liturgical dance, where I sacrificed sleep in order to keep a 24 hour vigil rotation to pray for retreaters I had never met and where I learned what it was to have faith - faith that I was on the right staff, faith that Maya wouldn't leave when she realized I wasn't there, and faith that I wouldn't forget the steps to our dance...
I learned that Pine Tree wasn't just a broom and clearing your throat before paying homage to Pine Tree could win you an applause, whether you recited a sonnet, caressed the broom as if it were your Juliette or talked to it like you were Cartman and Kenny from Southpark, just clear your throat and you'd be fine...
I learned where it was the staff went right before a speaker got ready to talk and what "speaker support" really meant when it was my turn to first talk to the retreaters about Reconciliation, then about the "palancas" in my life and finally what it meant to me to be a "C"; it would be during one speaker support, right before my palanca talk, that I realized Gerry Hill was meant to be in my life as my friend, my confidant and my brother...
I learned that staying up till after midnight, on both Friday AND Saturday night, working on palancas and listening to Gerry Hill tell stupid jokes over the microphone in the kitchen at Sionito, while Nancy Cruz kept yelling at him, reminding him HE was a rector that year, wasn't the smartest thing to do when we had to drive about an hour back on Sunday afternoon, but we did it anyway...
I learned at D.A. #16 that I never wanted to be a Rector if I had to eat what Gerry and Nancy ate at Rector Breakfast, until I realized what came after. I would be blessed to serve as Rector for D.A. #22 and watch my future brother-in-law experience what I did; I'd also experience Rector Breakfast for myself, "Peaches" style, while Adriana threw down her Rector Breakfast like a champ...
I learned that Cook Staff was the hardest staff to be on and required the most work, but if you had Angelica Montalvo as your staff head, a chef named Javi on staff and a Michael Ramirez to keep stirring the pot, then being on THAT Cook Staff was gravy...BUT, I also learned that being Table Staff Head was the coolest thing I would ever do at Dillo #18 and having a Table Staff retreat in Von Ormy would be the one thing that would bring us together as a staff, laughing and crying, eating and praying, and where we all learned how many crispy tacos Gerry Hill could really eat...
I learned that giving the Reconciliation Talk would be the hardest thing I would ever do at Dillo, because it meant forgiving those that had hurt me and asking for forgiveness from those I had hurt; and while it was the hardest thing I did, it was also the most rewarding when I heard a retreater get up and say they didn't want to be there that weekend, and tried leaving, but it wasn't until they heard my talk that they realized why they were meant to be there - David Smith will always hold a special place in my heart for making that journey, as a speaker that year, completely worth the struggle...
I learned that next to giving the Reconiciliation talk, listening to Maya give the Self Talk and Julio give the Palanca talk, would be the next hardest thing to do - because listening to two very different stories from the two people who meant the most to me at the time, and knowing there was nothing I could do to make things better for them, or change what I had done, was truly heartbreaking for me and a humbling experience I wasn't prepared for, but it would also define the moment in which I realized Maya would always be in my life...
I learned that Wayne's grilled cheese sandwiches, singing "City of God" on Saturday night, sneaking P-Staff onsite for Community Hug, crossing over the water and sitting on the rock chair down by the river at Tecaboca, are what made Dillo Awakening complete...
I learned all these things and so much more. For me, Dillo Awakening was my escape. It was where I went when I needed to cry, laugh, be angry or just be at peace. It was where I went when I thought the world turned its back on me, and when I thought I turned my back on the world. I gained a new perspective on my life and that of my friends - and I learned never to judge a book by its cover. The spirit of Dillo runs through my veins and resides in my heart; it's what I think of when I think I can't take any more. The blue trunk in my house is more than a storage box, it's a keeper of memories, songs and prayers. It's what I open up every once in a while and take a moment to read what others once said about me; reminding me of who I am.
To all those who are a part of the Dillo family I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane and for those of you who have not experienced Dillo, I can only hope that you now have some understanding of what the spirit of Dillo means to me and so many others.
And to Dillo Awakening, I thank you...for opening my heart and giving me what I needed, because "...when the melodies are gone, in you I hear a song".
Till next time...
"...and may the spirit of God, the spirit of love, be with you all your days." - The Blessing Song
I remember sitting in the caf at the Lake, it was still pretty early in the fall semester. I was a freshman and everything was still so new. I still couldn't decide what student organizations I wanted to join and I didn't know very many people on campus yet. I did manage to make friends with a few classmates, and so I waved at them as they walked through the caf on their way to their next class. I still had about an hour or so till my class started. Shortly after feeling a little better about myself and knowing some people, a guy everyone called Bullfrog walked in the caf, saw me, waved and walked over to sit with me. We had met at the UWAC and chit chatted about all kinds of things. It didn't take me long to learn he was a HUGE heavy metal fan and was someone I knew would be a good friend to have.
As we sat in the caf and talked, a few students walked in and started placing tent cards on the tables with an advertisement for something called a "4th Day Meeting" on one side and on the other side something called "Dillo Awakening #14". I didn't know what either of these things were, but Bullfrog did. He asked if I had heard about it and when I said "no" he went on to share with me a little about what it was about. He said I should consider going to it and that I would have a good time. He said it would be a good way to meet new people and maybe make new friends. At that moment, one of the girls placing the tent cards on the table stopped to talk to him. I glanced around the caf and noticed a guy sitting by himself and I thought I recognized him. When I asked Bullfrog if he knew him, he said, "Yeah, that's Scott." I remembered Scott from high school (story to come at a later time) and I was surprised to see him there. Bullfrog wasted no time in shouting across the caf and saying, "Hey Scott, did you go to Antonian?" I was mortified. Needless to say it didn't take long for Scott to join in on our conversation about this Dillo Awakening thing and he too encouraged me to consider going. He echoed Bullfrog's thoughts and while pointing back and forth between them said, "...plus, we'll both be there, so you know it's gonna be fun!" A few days later I'd bump into them again in the caf and tell them I was going to Dillo Awakening. They smiled a devilish grin, gave each other a high five and said, "Great. We'll see you there." I had no idea what I had just gotten myself into.
I never expected that 3 days at a place called Camp Sionito, in Bandera, Texas, would have such an impact on my life and would bring me to people who were to be a part of my life, whether for a season or a lifetime, and change it forever. I listened to fellow students talk that weekend about what it meant to be a "C", their faith, about themselves, and their thoughts on reconciliation. I experienced a community hug and for the first time in my life I sat by a campfire and made s'mores and we sang church songs. I learned what a palanca was and what it meant to "live your 4th day every day". It was a weekend I gained two brothers, David and Adrian, and two sisters, Rachel and Kelly. As a family we learned to brown-nose the Cook Staff, create a mystical body, pay homage to Pine Tree, and put ourselves in each other's hands in a trust fall. I didn't want the weekend to end. I wanted to wake up again to the music of "Rise, and shine, and give God your glory, glory, Rise and shine and give God your glory, glory. RISE and SHINE and give God your glory, glory children of the Lord". I wanted Dillo to last forever; but nothing lasts forever. Before I knew it, it was Sunday, and the weekend was over. It was time for us to leave and live our 4th day.
Now, it didn't take me long to find out that I could go back, not as a retreater, but as a staff member. Shortly after our return from D.A. #14, it was time to plan D.A. #15 and so I attended my first 4th Day Meeting. Never did I imagine that my experience as a staff member would outweigh and outdo my experience as a retreater. It was so much more than I expected. I learned all the background to Awakening, the planning, the recruiting, the anticipation of who would be a part of D.A. #15. I didn't realize the entire weekend was planned and directed by students, under the guidance of the Campus Ministry office of course - can't have Awakening without Wayne and Fr. Miguel! There were so many staffs to choose from, to serve on...Table Staff, Cook Staff, Music Staff, Gopher Staff...then there were those that were secretly chosen by the Rector's...like Angel Staff and P-Staff. I learned that speakers were nominated and voted on...Rector's gave the first and last talk, What is a C? and the 4th Day talk. As a staff we voted on who would give the Faith Talk, Self Talk, the Reconciliation Talk, and the Palanca Talk. We voted on themes, t-shirt designs and colors and registration fees. Rector's and CMC's worked on logistics, like location, agenda, scheduling 4th Day meetings and so on. As Awakening got closer nominations were made for the following leadership team and were voted on; results were always given at the end of the weekend and the torches were passed. So much to do, so much time devoted to each of these things, and I did it all, again and again.
I served on staff for D.A. #15 thru D.A. #22...I made so many memories, so many friends and learned so much about who I was and who I wanted to be; but more importantly, I learned the traditions and the spirit that is Dillo Awakening...
I learned that Tracy Chapman's song "The Promise" would forever remind me of Club Med and P-Staff of D.A. #15. It was here that I experienced prayer at its strongest, where Bullfrog gave new meaning to a liturgical dance, where I sacrificed sleep in order to keep a 24 hour vigil rotation to pray for retreaters I had never met and where I learned what it was to have faith - faith that I was on the right staff, faith that Maya wouldn't leave when she realized I wasn't there, and faith that I wouldn't forget the steps to our dance...
I learned that Pine Tree wasn't just a broom and clearing your throat before paying homage to Pine Tree could win you an applause, whether you recited a sonnet, caressed the broom as if it were your Juliette or talked to it like you were Cartman and Kenny from Southpark, just clear your throat and you'd be fine...
I learned where it was the staff went right before a speaker got ready to talk and what "speaker support" really meant when it was my turn to first talk to the retreaters about Reconciliation, then about the "palancas" in my life and finally what it meant to me to be a "C"; it would be during one speaker support, right before my palanca talk, that I realized Gerry Hill was meant to be in my life as my friend, my confidant and my brother...
I learned that staying up till after midnight, on both Friday AND Saturday night, working on palancas and listening to Gerry Hill tell stupid jokes over the microphone in the kitchen at Sionito, while Nancy Cruz kept yelling at him, reminding him HE was a rector that year, wasn't the smartest thing to do when we had to drive about an hour back on Sunday afternoon, but we did it anyway...
I learned at D.A. #16 that I never wanted to be a Rector if I had to eat what Gerry and Nancy ate at Rector Breakfast, until I realized what came after. I would be blessed to serve as Rector for D.A. #22 and watch my future brother-in-law experience what I did; I'd also experience Rector Breakfast for myself, "Peaches" style, while Adriana threw down her Rector Breakfast like a champ...
I learned that Cook Staff was the hardest staff to be on and required the most work, but if you had Angelica Montalvo as your staff head, a chef named Javi on staff and a Michael Ramirez to keep stirring the pot, then being on THAT Cook Staff was gravy...BUT, I also learned that being Table Staff Head was the coolest thing I would ever do at Dillo #18 and having a Table Staff retreat in Von Ormy would be the one thing that would bring us together as a staff, laughing and crying, eating and praying, and where we all learned how many crispy tacos Gerry Hill could really eat...
I learned that giving the Reconciliation Talk would be the hardest thing I would ever do at Dillo, because it meant forgiving those that had hurt me and asking for forgiveness from those I had hurt; and while it was the hardest thing I did, it was also the most rewarding when I heard a retreater get up and say they didn't want to be there that weekend, and tried leaving, but it wasn't until they heard my talk that they realized why they were meant to be there - David Smith will always hold a special place in my heart for making that journey, as a speaker that year, completely worth the struggle...
I learned that next to giving the Reconiciliation talk, listening to Maya give the Self Talk and Julio give the Palanca talk, would be the next hardest thing to do - because listening to two very different stories from the two people who meant the most to me at the time, and knowing there was nothing I could do to make things better for them, or change what I had done, was truly heartbreaking for me and a humbling experience I wasn't prepared for, but it would also define the moment in which I realized Maya would always be in my life...
I learned that Wayne's grilled cheese sandwiches, singing "City of God" on Saturday night, sneaking P-Staff onsite for Community Hug, crossing over the water and sitting on the rock chair down by the river at Tecaboca, are what made Dillo Awakening complete...
I learned all these things and so much more. For me, Dillo Awakening was my escape. It was where I went when I needed to cry, laugh, be angry or just be at peace. It was where I went when I thought the world turned its back on me, and when I thought I turned my back on the world. I gained a new perspective on my life and that of my friends - and I learned never to judge a book by its cover. The spirit of Dillo runs through my veins and resides in my heart; it's what I think of when I think I can't take any more. The blue trunk in my house is more than a storage box, it's a keeper of memories, songs and prayers. It's what I open up every once in a while and take a moment to read what others once said about me; reminding me of who I am.
To all those who are a part of the Dillo family I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane and for those of you who have not experienced Dillo, I can only hope that you now have some understanding of what the spirit of Dillo means to me and so many others.
And to Dillo Awakening, I thank you...for opening my heart and giving me what I needed, because "...when the melodies are gone, in you I hear a song".
Till next time...
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